I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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