dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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