Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
no you cant smoke seaweed
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
