Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
barbara walters just said penis...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
