This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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