I hate your face
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
