WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
