I cannot find my penis.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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