for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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