I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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