My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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