epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
