I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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