he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
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