Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize
