Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Randomize
