im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
