The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
I just had sex on a roof
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
