I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
