so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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