Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
