White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
