this boner is exhausting
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Randomize
