Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
