I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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