I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
nutella sex= disaster
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
