It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
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