Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
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I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
hey if my parents say thanks for the meatballs just go with it ill explain later
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