I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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