if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
