If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
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