what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
Is it because I queefed?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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