New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
