I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
