Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Randomize
