I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I cannot believe I accepted his penis into my body.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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