Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
