my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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