I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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