Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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