just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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