Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
