Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
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