My first STD was from a foam party
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
