I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Randomize
