My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
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