I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
