Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
