Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
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