I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Randomize
