It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
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