Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
Randomize
