And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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