Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
