Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I didn't notice because vodka
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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