apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
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