...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
