I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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