I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I cut my penus on the lid.
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
