so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
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