This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
