Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Randomize
